[About three quarters of these are actually true, about half of them are true for /me/.]
I am not permitted to replace a cow-orker’s reference books (including his Knuth, Sedgewick, and C++ reference manuals) with several linear feet of steamy hardback romance novels.
I will not name my variables after nasty tropical diseases, or executives who are under indictment for fraud.
Elevators are not toys, nor should they ever be wired into the corporate net.
It is not allowed to put the Halo 3 Master Chief into a gingham dress, or to give him cheerleader pom-poms, or attach flowers to his pulse rifle, as it upsets the Bungie people when they visit.
Yelling “Fire in the hole!” whenever I make a checkin is not team building.
Claiming a feature in a planning meeting by declaring “I’m going to rub my nuts all over that” is right out.
Using “butthead” in a reply-to-all email is not allowed, even if everyone is in agreement.
I will not refer to the head of corporate research as a “lamer,” especially when he is in the same stairwell when I utter this.
I will not paste labels onto the after-hours HVAC buttons, especially if they read “Eject,” “Arm,” or “Detonate.”
Lasers are for pointing, and that’s it.
I am not allowed to have a bucket of paint in the building.
Nor any power tools, especially if they have blades.
I shall not place a supply of “Sharpie” permanent markers in any whiteboard trays.
Cuckoo clocks are not allowed in the executive conference room.
The elves in the lobby’s “winter holiday” display must remain unmolested.
I am not allowed to have a cup of coffee resting nearby any essentially irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, multi-tens-of-thousands-of-dollars circuit boards I have been asked to write code for.
Spinning cow-orkers in their chairs until they throw up is now forbidden.
Since I am red-green color-blind, I am not permitted to do wiring, pick resistors, or choose office carpet.
I must not check in a new memory manager two hours before going on an overseas vacation.
Tossing computers off the roof is not an accepted form of “stress testing.”
I will not dial someone at random and conference them in to the building’s intercom system.
Motorcycles are not allowed in the CEO’s office, even if it’s 2AM and he’s not there. Starting the engine is also not permitted.
I am not allowed to put a “logout” command in someone’s “.login” file.