Anyone know anything about Poetry?, Critique my writing for a Creative Writing course Options

[Splash]

Righto well I find myself writing Poetry for a Creative writing course
It's not my course it's my sisters but apparently she isn't very creative so she is wimping out and I wanted to have a crack so I volunteered
Anyway...

Need to write some poetry in different styles
I don't have her course book but have been using Wikipedia info as below
Iambic pentameter
Haiku
Does anyone know anything about poetry and if so please over critique of the following
Just general discussion about whether you like it or not is cool too - don't burn me :)

Haiku
Ink black winter night 5
Sliding up the moon explodes 7
Shine in the darkness 5

Iambic pentameter

OBITUARY
For HE who HAPPENS on MY little NOTE so SHORT
Shall KNOW forEVER that WHICH took ME many YEARS
That I have LIVED a SIMPLE life LOVE fully REALISED
Through HINDSIGHT now EXAMINED it SHOWS as TRIVIAL and SMALL

[Kung Fu Hung-Su]

I don't know much about poetry, but I really like your haiku.

[Splash]

I don't know much about poetry, but I really like your haiku.

Thanks KFHS

[Genisis X]

You're Iambic pentameter is, well, not Iambic pentameter.

Iambic pentameter is made of lines of ten syllables (your first line has twelve) with five stressed syllables and five unstressed syllables and the pattern in which the syllables are stressed should repeat. English sonnets are a good place to start learning Iambic pentameter.

Go and read some shakespear and John Donne.

-X

[Splash]

You're Iambic pentameter is, well, not Iambic pentameter.

Iambic pentameter is made of lines of ten syllables (your first line has twelve) with five stressed syllables and five unstressed syllables and the pattern in which the syllables are stressed should repeat. English sonnets are a good place to start learning Iambic pentameter.

-X

Actually X - you are right
Was using 10 words not syllables

Thanks

[twinair]

I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.

[Genisis X]

I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.

Old, bad joke is old. And bad.

:P

-X

[TazFromOz]

Love your haiku too. But if you want to make it more authentic swap the first and last lines. Many haiku start with the description and end with the subject - so:

Shine in the darkness
Sliding up the moon explodes
Ink black winter night

Is much more authentic, and (I think) more powerful.

And yeah, iambic pentameter is 10 syllables as described. I personally like iambic poetry that rhymes, but it doesn't have to. Wilfred Owen's 'Strange Meeting' would have to be one of my favourite poems of all time and that used para-rhyme. One of the few examples (that I know of) and it's amazing:
http://www.everypoet.com/Archive/Poetry/Wi...nge_meeting.htm

Dulce et Decorum est
http://www.everypoet.com/Archive/Poetry/Wi...decorum_est.htm

Is another one - it used the abab rhyming method.

Sonnets are king! But can be difficult to use. I'm sure you'll probably do one of these further down the track in this course. Hope you're enjoying it. Sounds fun!

[Splash]

Love your haiku too. But if you want to make it more authentic swap the first and last lines. Many haiku start with the description and end with the subject - so:

Shine in the darkness
Sliding up the moon explodes
Ink black winter night

Is much more authentic, and (I think) more powerful.

And yeah, iambic pentameter is 10 syllables as described. I personally like iambic poetry that rhymes, but it doesn't have to. Wilfred Owen's 'Strange Meeting' would have to be one of my favourite poems of all time and that used para-rhyme. One of the few examples (that I know of) and it's amazing:
http://www.everypoet.com/Archive/Poetry/Wi...nge_meeting.htm

Dulce et Decorum est
http://www.everypoet.com/Archive/Poetry/Wi...decorum_est.htm

Is another one - it used the abab rhyming method.

Sonnets are king! But can be difficult to use. I'm sure you'll probably do one of these further down the track in this course. Hope you're enjoying it. Sounds fun!

Thanks for the great advice Taz - you seem to know your stuff
I like the haiku switched too :)

OK have had a rewrite of the IA poem and even went for an abab rhyme
I like the meaning better now just not sure of the meter - the syllable counts are right but it doesn't seem to flow like Shakespeare, etc
hardly surprising!

OBITUARY
For THEY who FIND this SHORT ode, PRINT so SMALL
Shall KNOW so STARK that FATE lived ME these YEARS
And SHARE with KIN my LOVE full SEEN stand TALL
My LIFE, and NOT just TIME passed SMALL end TEARS

[TazFromOz]

Shakespeare often adds an unstressed final syllable to his lines (making them 11 syllables long). An example is my favourite sonnet - Sonnet 20:

A woman's face with Nature's own hand painted
Hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion;
A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted
With shifting change, as is false women's fashion;
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,
Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;
A man in hue, all 'hues' in his controlling,
Much steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth.
And for a woman wert thou first created;
Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,
Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure.

Hehe! He said prick (and yes he meant it that way.

Shakespeare was a dirty dirty man. Who else would write beautiful poetry saying 'you have a dick but I love you like a woman anyway.' or 'You're an ugly bitch with bad breath, but I'd still love you' (Sonnet 130) or 'I think my boyfriend is cheating on me with my mistress, but I have to wait and see if she gives him an STD to know' (Sonnet 144) - which upon reading again is true Iambic pentameter.

Two loves I have of comfort and despair,
Which like two spirits do suggest me still:
The better angel is a man right fair,
The worser spirit a woman colour'd ill.
To win me soon to hell, my female evil
Tempteth my better angel from my side,
And would corrupt my saint to be a devil,
Wooing his purity with her foul pride.
And whether that my angel be turn'd fiend
Suspect I may, but not directly tell;
But being both from me, both to each friend,
I guess one angel in another's hell:
Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out.

Booyah! ('fire my good one out' refers to the burning sensation you get when peeing).

Like I said. Only Shakespeare.

But *clears throat* back to what you were saying Iambic pentameter isn't really that strict, so if you want to mess with it a little it's allowable.

The comma must go though. It's in the middle of an iamb and that's what's ruining your flow.

PS Don't bother with the capitalisation. The stresses should be self evident. If they're not you're doing it wrong =). But other than the comma most of that works. 'small end tears' doesn't really make sense to me - I think I preferred the ending of your first poem actually. It was very shakespeare in theme and the twist at the end was nice.

This post has been edited by TazFromOz: Dec 30 2008, 03:50 PM