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kablez

Atømican
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Everything posted by kablez

  1. kablez

    [PAC] kommando is in town

    You should join the FB conversation Kommando lol Sending you a PM with my details
  2. I've always felt like I wasn't in control of my mental state - people who know me know that I'm generally a very happy and energetic person with the occasional downside... For the past 2 years I've been developing a pot habit that has culminated in me going to see a doctor because of my mood swings (I've always thoguht it was depression, dad has major depression and grand-dad did too)... The doc reckons I most likely began becoming bipolar around the end of high school - which sounds right because it's right before the start of my drug/alcohol binge that my adult life has been... so that's interesting that I may not have been in the driver's seat :P So yes, I know why I was so hooked on the pot and I'm taking a break from it before I resume those social activities... and I'm now on this stuff called Seroquel which is on a really low dose but makes me into a total zombie. I read up on Seroquel and sedation/poor memory is a common problem at first, but no one seems to discuss it long term or how people manage it's sedative properties. I was thinking of just asking the doctor for some options (like dexies or modafinil). Exercise does not alleviate the drowsiness - I can go for a brain dead 30 min jog and fall back asleep... and, of course, coffee makes me depressive and cigarettes are disgusting (note: I am a casual smoker) so I'm pretty low on awakeness options lol. (I wrote this thread hoping for ideas/advice from people in similar situation... or a doctor on here [if i'm lucky enough to catch one in here] heh)
  3. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    Ahh, sorry for the misunderstanding - I meant I was useless while taking the drugs the doctor gave me. I don't feel useless, I just literally could not even drive after taking those drugs. Thanks Matej :) I'm onto my third and fourth opinions this morning :) And yeah, I don't think that drugs are the answer for me... I've gotten through the last few years without them (apart from pot), I just have the occasional dark spell that I need to be awoken from... which I reckon a regular drug program is massive overkill for. And yeah, the suicidal and self harm stuff is mostly morbid obsession when I'm depressed, I would never do it - I have waaay too many things left to do. The hardest part is going to be managing the times when I'm "super happy"... but I think counselling can help me train to handle those situations without drugs... and if I can minimize the impact of the "super happy" times then I can reduce the frequency and severity "sad" times.
  4. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    Yes... if I concentrate hard enough and eat enough Omega 3 I can use my midichlorians to heal the broken part of my brain! It's BRILLIANT! You clearly have no idea what having a mood disorder is like, each day starts with a battle with yourself. I'm not so far gone, but if you'd said that to a depressive person you could probably kill them. You also have no idea about my actual lifestyle. I posted this thread asking for advice from other people... I didn't say "I'm a fatty whiny mc fat fat and I wanna find a magical way to feel better plz help tx". I go for a morning run every weekday at 6am, I play competitive beach volleyball every week, judo every week and I cycle on weekends. I also get a lot of sex, being a gay guy. I monitor my diet and make sure I'm always caloried up so that sugar cravings don't fuck with my moods. And trust me, exercise doesn't always work. I was in a really bad state the other day and went running for 20 min with tears in my eyes - for no fucking reason. I came home and passed out from a complete overload of information in my head... So why don't you go induce a mood disorder, go start an LSD habit or something and come back and tell me how effective fucking exercise and a proper diet is at making you feel better. Who knows really... medicine is like witchcraft and psychology is it's most primitive form of magic. If weed relieves the symptoms (a drug that kills you very slowly) then I will take it any day over a drug that can kill me overnight (or make me even crazier). If I listen to the doctor, it will take weeks (if not months) to get my dosage right on anything the doctor will want me to be on. It will probably eventually require other drugs to come into play to keep it balanced. I will then need other drugs to help my body cope with all the other drugs. I also have a faulty liver that's currently being investigated (found out last night) and there's a history of liver disease in my mum's family (always knew that)... so not too optimistic about anything that traditional channel's can give me to help me at the moment. And then of course there's always new findings like this, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19891810 In bipolar disorder subjects, cannabis use was associated with better neurocognitive function, but the opposite was the case for the schizophrenia subjects. There was a statistically significant interaction effect of diagnosis and cannabis use on focused attention (p=0.019), executive functioning (verbal fluency--set shifting) (p=0.009), logical memory-learning (p=0.007) and on logical memory-recall (p=0.004). These differences in neurocognitive function could not be explained by putative confounders. Yeah, the harder part for me has actually been the identity crisis... I've obviously known that I am a fairly impulsive person and that I can have pretty big ups and downs... but all this new information about bipolar symptoms has actually been incredibly disheartening! It feels like I've just found out I'm a copy rolled off the Bipolar Production line and nothing about me is real, I'm just a perfect example of someone with bipolar disorder. I don't actually believe that of course, I think I just need time to process everything... I've only known for 6 days. And yes! I've been reading up on the whole creativity/passion side and I think that has actually played a very big and positive role in my life. I take a lot of risks that people wouldn't... I'm 22 and own my own house, have a great job and an awesome partner... none of those things wouldn't have happened if I didn't have a tendency to push the envelope on things, more than most people would.
  5. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    Yeah, definitely. I have been very open about it to the doctor and I am going to basically say "Tell me why pumping me full of drugs and systematically fucking up my kidneys and liver is better than smoking pot?" It's quite insane, I've been reading up a bit more and the "dark side" is actually a lot worse than I first thought... When I first mentioned I had a problem, I was hoping for to be told about something I can take or something I can do for times when I think I'm not well... but this is a complete lifestyle change and a whole new world of problems... I got a second opinion today from another GP who agreed with bipolar, but wants me off the drugs hehe. He also lined me up for a psych appointment later in the week and gave me a lot of insight into the treatment, his own role in my care... it was actually quite scary having a doctor humanize himself, show an interest and take initiative... I must've stepped into a quantum mirror or somethin :)
  6. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    Or maybe you should stop hanging out with women...
  7. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    Cheers :) I've had a lot of times where I've looked at myself and gone "WTF was I thinking?" for things that seemed completely rational to do... it's led to some good decisions and well played risks, but also a lot of missed opportunities and burned bridges. I guess I'm at that stage where I want to try to gain some more control... The hardest part now is recognizing when I'm experiencing something at all or just going through something 'naturally'... I have an old diary that I sometimes read when I'm really depressed and that has actually been really helpful at waking me up from some of my darker depressive states, so I'm probably going to start a whole new one that I'll update every now and then for myself. And yeah, I think being mis-diagnosed is one of the reasons that made me find out so late (considering I'm generally well read up on mental health cause of my dad). I always assumed I was just depressed and never looked at the rest of my behavior for a larger problem.
  8. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    Damn, sorry to hear mate :( Send me a PM if you ever wanna chat, doesn't have to be about anything Ahh, I'm the opposite right now - but normally I do have problems getting to sleep... this particular drug seems to just kick me on my arse! :P Heehee, yep. I'm still not convinced I am definitely "bi-polar"... but, it fits with what I've read and what I know about myself - especially more so than stuff about major depression and ADD/ADHD folks... especially when it comes to some of my erratic and cyclical behaviours... very freaky. I've started watching this awesome documentary by Stephen Fry called The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive, which has been pretty insightful!
  9. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    @drago13666 I know myself well enough not to go without drugs. I'm not excusing my 'behaviour', I'm explaining why I do it. And the GP is the second opinion :) The first opinion was actually 'major depression' by a psychologist. I was given zoloft which made me violent and unpredictable (I ran away from home a lot during that period). At the moment... I'm looking to line up a psychologist for long term - just 1 contact I can have that I trust to talk to and help me manage my moods. "If I stop medicating outright I could become suicidal and/or uncontrollably aggressive" - that's my talking from experience. Until I was told and explained what "bi polar disorder" actually is, I've always just thought I was depressed because I often have feelings of sadness and depression, often when there was no reason to be sad. I've had times where I've said awful things and destroyed objects/relationships/jobs to get attention and then wondered why I was so out of control... which is what it all comes down to for me. I don't mind having to deal with myself (we all have to at some point) but I refuse to risk any harm to people around me... and when I'm not on drugs I can't control myself... maybe after a bit of coaching and self-learning I could wean myself towards only needing it prior to an episode... but who knows how long that will take, I'm keeping an open mind :) @matteh Cheers :) Yeah, I'm working on the healthy thing at the moment as well. What sleep medications? At this rate I'm going to need narcoleptic medication lol. @eveln I don't really trust anyone to be honest... especially not myself. But yes, I'm going to sort out a proper psychologist I can talk to. "Defeatist" is probably the wrong word... exhausted? I'm not giving up, I'm just over it :P @Director Maybe it's an American thing? I think psychologists/psychiatrists here don't have the cash motivation?
  10. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    Wow, cheers for that reply :) I was hoping someone would actually share their story. You're right, the name and my, self imposed, identity crisis aren't important... I just need to work out what works and what doesn't. I'm taking a break from pot (and all fun drugs) at the moment... especially as I'm still settling into the seroquel. And yep, I know not to mess with the dosages of the prescription drugs. The seroquel I'm being given initially is small though... it's mainly to observe any adverse reactions for a few weeks. If the drowsiness persists I might go back and ask for options though... I was hoping to hear from someone else that takes it though, to see if it's more than just drowsiness... I actually feel stoned without the euphoria... kinda like being sleepy except all the lights are on upstairs.
  11. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    Ahh cheers :) Yeah, I'm actually afraid of the doctor's advice in the long term... My dad has frequent (2+ a year) manic depressive episodes and spends time every year in hospitalized isolation - and that's while using anti-depressants et al to manage his problem, I can't even imagine what he would be like without. If the doctors can't manage to keep him stable after feeding him their own blend of psychoactive cocktails for 20 years, what hope do I have? It kinda feels like my options are: - Trust the doctor, and hope I'm lucky enough not to need to add layer upon layer of drugs to fight the last drug's symptoms.... until I have so many pills to take in the morning that there's no room for breakfast. Hope doctor/psychologist can give me the right care to identify and fight my symptoms. - Trust the bong, and hope I can find a way to identify times where my emotional state is changing and how I can make this work with the rest of my lifestyle (as in, what do I do if my dog dies and I'm at work). - Mix and match, don't trust anyone. Keep written evidence of my mental state and learn to identify changes and what drugs are (and likely to be) in my system at the time. Work out what does what and do my own thing - sometimes following the doctor's advice, and other times going against this. I know the third option probably seems the most reasonable, and it even sounds like a 'stacked deck of 2 bad options and 1 good' but I thought I'd point out that it isn't. As it's been mentioned, medicating yourself can be risky with no reward - it can be more damaging than no treatment at all.... but I think I will end up going with that option, once the mental dust clears a bit.
  12. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    Heehee, I'm in between things I guess :P It's a very confusing time for someone who's naturally confused... I don't want to be one of those people who needs to be medicated for the rest of their life... And I'm still enthralled and scared by how my own lifestyle choices and behaviours are 'symptoms' and not necessarily my personality. Where do you draw the line between what defines you and what you are? Am I just a really generic person with a mental illnses? It's an interesting identity crisis... certainly more complicated than "Am I gay?" haha. Anyway, at the very least I would choose the weed option, simply because it's far less damaging to the body and doesn't need to be mixed or combined with other drugs to make it useful. The biggest problem with it is cost and stability... I've heard of cases in Canada and the US where people are able to buy over the counter cannabinoid tablets to help manage a range of mental illnesses... but Australia is probably a way off for that.
  13. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    @eveln and @Rybags I think it needs to be made clear that I'm not a healthy person... Being bi-polar means having a mental illness, it's not a foul mood I can walk off and feel better. If I stop medicating outright I could become suicidal and/or uncontrollably aggressive... there's no telling. As I mentioned earlier, I've had periods where I've been 'clean' and it was a horrifying hell of emotional pain ( you could tell me I had pretty hair and I'd find a way to link it to my childhood and feelings of insecurity about my hair ) I never want to go back to. The longest I've gone for is 3 months.... If I went home today and didn't have anything I would be ok, even for a few days - but eventually something will trigger an episode and I'll be in and out of hospital, out of work and my personal life will be in shambles.... it's not an option.
  14. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    Actually, you can have an observation of "prone to substance abuse" - which is a symptom of being bi-polar... which you can then use towards a diagnosis :) Yes, maybe if you're an LSD user. I know right? That's kind of what I'm thinking - so I can be 'societally acceptable' and become a walking pharmaceutical lab at all times of day.... or I can be a dirty criminal and have a few cones after work to help me relax. Only problem is that weed is more expensive, easily abused (cause I don't measure it, so not a reliable mood balancer) and makes me super hungry (like... destroyer of worlds). But yeah, I've had times where I don't take anything or do anything too adventurous... Just relax, gets lots of exercise... and it usually ends in a serious depressive episode. I literally cannot handle my own mind :P
  15. kablez

    So I'm probably bi-polar...

    I do :) Me and sleep are like.... old lovers seeing each other again after the war... Unfortunately I'm completely useless to society at the moment... even more useless than I was stoned haha Hahaha - actually, viagra can cause bipolar people to relapse ;)
  16. Ahh yes. We're a UK based company and have no IT guys over here in Perth. I'm actually a programmer but I'm in charge of all the server stuff as I do know a bit about it. Yeah, the shares and permissions are fine. The issue is to do with NETBIOS and authentication servers. It's all a bit grey at the moment because we promoted our local server to a domain controller but had to then disable DHCP because our router started blitzing from the VPN (Netgear.... nuff' said).... so now our server is in between being a real DC/DHCP server and something else.... So yes, I have noticed that the Ubuntu machine NEVER has problems accessing network shares... and I do recall reading about how WinXP/Samba use an older method from Win7/2008. The two error messages (paraphrased) that came up this morning while trying to access the file shares: 1. No authentication servers could be found 2. You do not have sufficient permissions Cheers for that :) Looks like Netgear equipment is as fun as ever! I think my first port of call is now going to be a firmware upgrade.
  17. So we have a lot of problems in my office with accessing our network shares - caused mostly by the domain controllers being only accessible from the UK via VPN. Our Linux boxes never have any issues accessing those same file shares and I've read somewhere that this is due to Samba using an older method for authentication, but I've had no luck in finding out more about this. Any ideas?
  18. kablez

    Hey we haven't had a SCUM thread for a bit...

    The job attracts them, all ny mates who were pig headed cunts with power issues became cops and use it as a device to make them feel powerful. On his first day as an undercover drug squad member he raided all his friends houses and people he knew who smoked weed, what sort of fucking cunt does that. If a police officer did that to any member of my family they'd be getting there relatives in the post. Fuck the consequences to do such as thing is inecusable. People that blindly enforce drug laws are going to be looked back on as the biggest pricks... In fact, any laws :P These people are clearly uneducated because they don't know what happens to people like them in history books.
  19. So I have a very unusual problem with ESXi - my VM's are not consuming the available resources and run incredibly slow. On boot-up, everything is great... they're zippy and everything loads... however the next day (after the VM's have been mostly idle all night) they consume less resources than a vegan supermodel... at max my Windows 2008 server only uses 200mhz of CPU... and serves all files and IIS pages psychotically slow. I've played around with the hardware settings including only setting a single core for each VM... but that doesn't seem to have done much. Google doesn't seem particularly helpful as I think I need to identify the issue first... The affected VM's are running: - Ubuntu 10.04 Server - Ubuntu 8.04 desktop - Windows 2008 R2 - Windows XP I tried to see if ESXi itself had limitations of some kind because it's free... but no luck there either. Cheers :)
  20. So it's almost the end of the day and no one has been accessing the server and it became slow again. I went to access SugarCRM and it was just slow. After a couple of refreshes it started to speed up (server response time reported by SugarCRM went from 1 min down to about 40 seconds). The SugarCRM install runs it's MySQL database off of the Windows machine. The server response seemed to be blown out by SQL (pages partially render and then sit there), so I jumped into the server and ran a defrag. During the defrag, the response time reported shot up to 7 min. I then stopped the defrag and refreshed and got ".3" seconds. Now any refresh is <1 second, so obviously simply stressing the server with a defrag fixes the issue... so it has something to do with Windows taking a nap (how typical!). Any ideas on how to solve this? I've heard of people running Sharepoint needing "warm up" scripts, would something like that be the best option for me?
  21. Do you mean I should be striping in order to minimize a bottleneck from disk access?
  22. you should be running raid on a server yesand if you think getting an exsi compatible raid card is too expensive/hard then, bam also I dunno if its relevant to you but I had some wierd cpu scheduling issues once with a server 03 machine (that was migrated with convertor) gave it more cpu cores and it wigged out also, esxi 4.1 is out, dunno if its worth looking at that? I don't see the point of getting a RAID set-up at the moment though...(we would only be doing mirroring and already have a backup procedure in place). Yeah, the CPU thing was a random one for me as well. I found that in general, Win2k8 operates better with only 1 vCPU instead of two. And yeah... I think changing the numbers of cores on pre-2008 R2 Windows servers is really bad for them? I know on the fly it definitely is... not sure about it altogether though. Ahh, yes (if you mean is it just a bunch of hard drives with no relationship to each other).
  23. Ubuntu 9.04 - 512mb, no scheduled tasks and currently not used for much Ubuntu 10.04 - 1024mb, 2 vCPU's, no schedules tasks and used as primary web server for SugarCRM and file server for mounts from Windows machine Windows 2008 R2 - 2048mb, 1 vCPU, no scheduled tasks and is used primarily as a file server for the web files for SugarCRM and documents Ahh, what do you mean by "that disk is also pretty damn woeful"? Do you mean I should be running a RAID?
  24. We're running: Intel Xeon X3430 @ 2.40Ghz on S3420GP ESXi 4 Single Server 4GB of RAM 3x 1.5TB drives (no RAID) All the machines I listed are on at the same time, however they will idle towards consuming almost no resources (one of my Ubuntu boxes is at 12mhz). This is a new box. Is there any kind of diagnostic or performance analysis I can look at? All the "health" indicators within vSphere are in the green, so I'm not sure where to look... or if you have any web reading materials that might be of use that'd be great :) I don't want to read anything too simple like "Virtualization and your business" but if anyone knows of good trouble shooting guides or best pracises for ESXi setups that'd be great! Cheers :)
  25. kablez

    Vote Sex on August 21st

    I don't normally take my time to promote my political views - but a new political party was formed last year to oppose the government's internet filter. Today, the Australian Sex Party have become a nationally recognized force who promote civil freedoms and rights for issues I've long felt our government has failed to act on, - Legalize Gay Marriage - Remove the GST from women's hygiene products (tampons are not a luxury item!) - Decriminalize abortion - Legalize the sale of X Rated material in Australia - Create an R and X rating for Video Games in Australia - Revoke the internet filter policy and return the power of censorship to parents and individuals I know that it might seem pointless to vote for a party that no one expects to form government - but anyone who knows Australian politics can attest to the fact that when the Labor and Liberal parties have very equal numbers - it is the smaller independents who hold the balance of power (and potentially get more press when your name contains the word Sex). I am currently actively volunteering for the party and we need people to help us get into the senate on August 21st. If you think you can spare some time please register on the Australian Sex Party website - http://australiansexparty.org.au/vms/vol_form.php There is also a Facebook group that you can join, just do a search for "Australian Sex Party". Yes, I realize this has been a shameless political pimping so if you have any questions or comments please direct them at me. Happy to take this down if it's not appropriate, I just thought that the views of the party were quite compatible with the general Atomican community.
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