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The joy of being a step parent

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Cheeky, do you and Juggs want primary custody in the future?

 

Even worse than parents like that ex is the system that allows for such pettiness, I reckon.

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It has been a consideration, but i'm well aware that my daughter is my ex's meal ticket, so to it would involve either my daughter choosing (once she's at the age where they'll take it into account) or a court battle.

 

And having just witnessed a colleague go through the courts with an ex wife who has a well documented history of mental illness that has resulted in the neglect of their child (so much so that the child has had to be temporarily relocated to the father on a number of occasions) only to give up the fight 2 years in and 300k down the shitter, because the family courts are still not convinced that its in the childs best interest to be removed from his mother full time, it makes me realise that my only real option is to hope that she desires to live with us when she's old enough to make that choice.

 

Hell, docs refused to look into it when my daughter started publicly displaying signs that was very likely she was being physically abused at home.

 

The absent parent has absolutely fuck all chance in these situations.

Edited by Juggalo Scrub

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I suppose it would depend on the couple and if those words / vows actually mean anything to them.

I think it would depend more on whether the certificate/license meant anything to you. You can have somebody preside over the ceremony, and never lodge it with the government, and exist as defacto.

 

This is true dude.

 

And thanks to ChrisG for some more insight.

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Sunflower, yeah I know he loves me, just hard to shake the feeling though...after reading this post it should be clear why, get ready for a long one people, sorry! :P

 

Ive had a terrible relationship with my dad, ive never forgiven him for the way he has treated me, my brother and my mother over the years. He cheated on my mum with my god mother...how holy right?

 

Because of this, I guess I take it so much more personally than my brother does, he was always a "daddies boy" and I guess he never felt the betrayed the same way I did, I mean that is my god mother, and what the hell is her problem, arghhh!! he had wonderful god parents and I never saw mine after that, obviously.

 

I never got him, or understood him. He was willing to just drop everything and move across the country to move in with some lady he had just met online at RSVP.com.au and asked if we were coming with him. I said no because my school was in Sydney and all my family, besides I was only 13, I just didnt want to. So i told him the truth, i didnt want to and he blew up at me, went totally off the deep end about it. so he went anyway, it lasted a month before he moved back home.

 

So then he came back home, and he was on RSVP again. My brother and I were living with him full time at this stage and we never saw him. He'd get home from work and be on the internet, shut the door behind him. My brother and I had the house to ourselves basically as he was on the net all night, ignoring us.

 

Then he met this woman he eventually married, and she was a gold digger. I dont say that to be nasty, it is true. She had 4 kids, no money and sucked him dry. Her kid got sick and then suddenly dad forgot all about my brother and I.

 

The kid was so sick they lived at the childrens hospital for a few months. Im sorry that she was ill, but that is no excuse to just forget about us, and to stop paying my mother to look after us full time. his excuse was he had a sick child to look after. News flash dad, she wasnt your child!! Not your responsibility! What about us?

 

Anyway so the kid gets better and they move back home. We are allowed to come around, but because her immune system is low, we have to stay away from everyone incase we give them germs. Whats the point in coming if we are just being ignored the whole time. FFS. And if we werent being ignored, we were being yelled at, same situation as you, dad demanded we get him drinks, I remember he was in the kitchen and yelled at my brother who was in his room to get him a drink. Must be a stupid father thing.

 

On NYE one year, the kids wanted to see the fireworks at the beach that was down the road. They asked me being the oldest if I could take the kids to the beach to watch it as they had guests over. I took the kids to the beach, and for some unknown reason, 30 mins later my dad comes storming down the beach yelling and screaming at me for being irresponsible and a bad person. I had no idea what his problem was, they ASKED me to take the kids there!

 

So we are all escorted back home, and infront of all their guests, they yell at only me for being careless and a stupid girl not thinking, I could have been raped, i could have been killed etc. I could have lost the kids and it would be all my fault that their parents would be so worried.

 

They grounded me and sent me to my room, and let the other kids go off and play like nothing had happened...I was grounded for doing something they had asked me to do!!

 

I found out later that one of the kids' parents had come over to collect their child while we were gone, and they werent happy about that, so LIED and said me being the eldest, convinced everyone to come with me to the beach. Fucking lying scum, not even man enough to take the fall for his own doing!!

 

I was so mad and upset and mad me hate them even more.

 

I started looking for a job after school and on weekends so that id have a reason to not go down there. I was forced to go down there on "dad weekends", and we werent allowed to see friends or even go to dance rehersals or anything. I had to quit my dance performance group because of it and I had to reluctantly turn down roles in the school play year and year again.

 

He was such a tight arse, and so intent on hurting my mother that he over looked our needs. One day I was doing a school project at his house, and I needed to buy a note book for it, as I forgot my book with my work in it and left it at mums. I had to document my science experience in it. It cost 50 cents and while we were at the shops, I had noticed I accidentally left my wallet in the car, so i asked dad if I could borrow 50 cents to buy it so I could finish up my project due in on monday.

 

He started yelling and screaming that its up to my mother to buy me school things and said no. I even said it was for school and id pay him back as soon as we get to the car but he was already in an irrational mood and stopped listening so it was pointless.

 

It was 50 cents!!! And all to hurt my mum. Well it didnt hurt my mum, it hurt me because I didnt get to finish the project and had to ask for an extension at school, I lied and said i left it on the train.

 

And the already mentioned incident when the step mum told dad to get rid of us and dumped us at a random train station...

 

I really hate my dad and its going to take ALOT for me to change my mind. A few months ago, my step mum left my dad. Karma I guess. I hate her too, and am glad to see her leave, but I really hate him.

 

So hard because I was treated like shit during my childhood, I guess I feel jealous when Juggs treats his daughter normally and pays her attention, I just feel like its happening all over again. Sometimes Juggs is aware of it and tries extra hard to include me and do special things for me. Its very cute when they make dinner for me together or they come pick me up from work together etc and i appreciate what he does. But sometimes I guess it cant be helped, like when shes mucking up and needs extra attention to deal with her. Shes not a bad kid, shes just a kid. I guess i forget that sometimes I was treated badly and he isnt doing it to rub it in, he's just being a normal parent, the parent i never had.

 

I think because i was treated so shit, I can recognise the problems they see as the child, so now im the step mum, im trying to do it differently...its still hard.

 

Juggs' daughter doesnt see me as the evil step mum, we actually get along great, but I do wonder how long it will last, and it upsets me. I dont want her head filled with lies.

 

I am trying hard to get this right, but sometimes I feel like im always going to be 2nd best. Parents are supposed to choose their kid first, but my dad didnt. I was 2nd to him, and im 2nd to Juggs by default...the difference is one was nasty and the other is because its just the way it is.

 

Because i love him, I have to deal with it. My past has obviously psychologically scarred me and formed the way I am. I often feel it to be unfair that its up to me to right the wrongs of the past and to ensure history isnt repeated. I feel like a martyr, I know its not right but at the same time it kills me and upsets me to be 2nd best to him. 2nd best to everyone, fuck. Even to his daughter dispite us getting along well, I dont rank in compared to mum and dad when shit counts...im 2nd best again.

 

So yeah. Shared alot about myself there...id normally post this under my alt account but why bother...ive recently come to accept Im a bit crazy so this is all part of my self help, road to recovery. Im still to speak to any professionals though...i figure posting on the net is half as good, it gets it off my chest and out there, like therapy.

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....

 

Geez Cheeks...

 

I've done a lot of living but never that sort of shit...

 

My parents were fabulous, except that in the early years they would sometimes argue to the extent that I, also the eldest, had to take my brothers and sisters away from it. There are five of us with a 12 year age gap from top to bottom, and none of us ever seem to much get into arguments, I wonder why?

 

(Mind you, one of my sisters, who lost her husband to cancer last year, had been known to throw the odd plate or stamp on a tea towel :).)

 

Eventually my parents sorted themselves out and had decades of a beautiful relationship, but even in the worst of it they were always, always there for us kids.

 

Dad died a few years back now, I posted his eulogy here, my mother still misses him, well, after 56 years of marriage I guess you would...

 

I started leaving home at 14 - long story, as most of mine are :) but home was always there when I needed it.

 

(Hmm, bit odd to be in Africa and get a postcard from your mother to say they were emigrating to Australia - but I headed out for a visit some months later anyway.)

 

I love them both dearly, yes, that is present tense, even though dad is dead he's still around somehow.

 

I never had a single issue with my dad, oh, he wacked me sometimes, only man I have ever seen able to run after an unruly child, me, take off a shoe and throw it with unerring accuracy and hit me in the back of the head :)

 

Great man.

 

I have often described him as the strongest weak man I have ever known - he could never walk past a crying child, his or anyone else's, without stopping to give comfort, could never not pick up a stray kitten and give it a life, lost everything more than once and just got on with getting it together again.

 

My mother - well, love her dearly, but it is better at a distance, which is possibly why I am in WA, she is in SA and I visit, short visits - we are probably simply too much alike, I have that issue I think with my younger daughter.

 

Some of it is most definitely this bloody ridiculous "politically correct" society that we have allowed to be imposed upon us.

 

I'll give you an example:

 

A few weeks ago I was in a newsagents, there was this cute little girl, with her brother, trying to buy some magazine that she did not have enough money for. I just gave it to her, it was only a few bucks, and got what is the best reward you ever get, a big smile and a thankyou :)

 

I just laughed and said "It's ok kid, I used to have daughters like you, they grew up :) "

 

Simple act - could under other circumstances have had me being suspected to be a paedophile...

 

PC world....

 

I'll never be "politically correct," it's a load of crap.

 

Children need discipline, not abuse, never, but they need to know where the boundaries are and why or they go feral, which kinda explains a lot about society these days because we are not allowed to apply the discipline needed.

 

Just musing - sorry if I derailed your thread Dev :)

 

Cheers

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I have no idea what it's like to be a step parent, but I know what it's like to be a step kid and it sucks.

 

I live with my Dad and step mum. My step mum constantly bags out my mum to me, even though I make it quite clear that I'm not comfortable with it.

 

She sat me down one day about 2 or 3 years ago and told me that the reason my dad left hmy mum was because she is a slut and had 5 affairs. Which is definitely bullshit.

 

Anything my mum buys for me is automatically crap and bagged out by my step mum.

 

It's fucking hard listening to that shit every day when you love your mum but can't say anything.

 

I can't say anything because my dad doesn't give a shit about me, and if I did he would belt me, tell me not to disrespect what his wife says and kick me out.

 

The funny part about it is my step mum has never met nor spoke to my mum. She only goes off what my dad has told her.

 

My dads first girlfriend after the separation did the same thing, but not quite as bad.

 

My dad does it as well like he's real bitter. But he left her so I don't really get it.

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Thats one thing we're so very careful about. We (Cheeky and I) have never bagged out my ex infront of Bug. Even if its a situation where we dont think she can hear it, we just dont. I've had friends and family do so infront of Bug, and we shut it down real quick. Its not something i agree with, and i dont think its fair at all.

 

I have no doubt my ex does bag me out to people infront of the little one, because thats the kind of person she always was. So whenever Bug repeats something, we sit her down and ask her about it, and then go on to make sure she realises its not fair on us if mummy does that, nor is it fair on mummy if we say stuff like that. She's a pretty good kid, amazingly intelligent, and picks up on it right away. My theory is that she overhears her mother talking about it, and repeats it as if its something thats ok to be said.

 

Tho lately i've heard her standing up to her mother on a few issues (keeping in mind she's 6) without being overly bratty about it. I still get her to tone it down, but its good to hear that she's able to come to her own conclusions about whats right and wrong.

 

I've known about all the shit with Cheeky's father from the get go, and he's quite aware that i've never held any stock in him. I'm fiercly protective of Bug when we take her to Cheeky's paternal grandparents (its fantastic - Bug and Cheeky's families adore one another) as he's almost always there when we are, so at least he keeps his distance there.

 

But the one thing that Cheeky does well, even tho i can tell she's conflicted over it with the whole father abandonment issue, is make sure that i never do anythign to Bug that her dad did to her. Not that theres any fear of that happening, but the things that i - someone who wasn't a product of a broken home - wouldn't understand would upset a child in Bug (and Cheeky's) situation. In that regard she keeps me honest, even if i do find her overly cynical at times, and it helps me be a better parent for Bug.

 

Even if we don't end up living under the one roof, i believe things will be ok. I gotta, right?

Edited by Juggalo Scrub

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Oh and its even worse when the ex encourages their children to physically hurt other children just because they are the children of the new partner!!!

 

The ex rang the kids last night, and I was told later that my step daughter had been telling her mother how they had been playing "murder in the dark" and she had accidentally winded my son... Mummy 'darling' said to her daughter "make sure you hit him harder next time and really hurt him" I could have (and did) hug my step daughter when she stood up to her mother and said "that's not the right thing to do, Mum"

 

There is hope for the kids yet.... makes it hard and confusing for them when she is on the other end of the phone encouraging them to misbehave, and running their father and myself down to the ground... ahh there's still a massive uphill struggle gonna happen.. especially now we have been to CSA and Centrelink about chaging the child support and FTB :P

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If the children need information, or guide about any topic, i think that the step parent must attend the situation, because is the present.

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Mummy 'darling' said to her daughter "make sure you hit him harder next time and really hurt him"

What the fuck?!?

 

I can't even begin to go into how messed up that is.

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