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Mac Dude

When does support become spoiling?

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I'll support my kids to the fullest even after they move out provided they do their best! The whole "Kids are on their own when they're 18" is a load of crap. They're your children why be so god damn hard on them.

 

The most important thing to teach your children is the power of saving money and just "Giving it a go". My parents purchased nearly anything and everything i needed, but at the same time i saved as much of the the money i earned at my job as possible and i applied myself at school. I never had more than anyone else, but i had what i needed to be comfortable. My parents also didn't expect anything of me only that i try the best i could. Had i been a slacker and a lazy shit i wouldn't have recieved anything at all.

 

When i was 23 i got my own apartment and moved out while studying. I'd saved up so much money that i didn't need an enourmous loan, so it was manageble while i was at uni. So now my folks can live in peace a lot earlier than most :) and i'm able to stand on my own 2 feet without using them at a crutch all because they gave me the help and support i needed when i was younger.

 

Above all else, a little tender loving care goes a long way. You can splash all the moeny you want at your kids, but if they don't love you it's not worth a thing.

 

That's my philosiphy anyway.

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Special circumstances etc, you can defer exams and that sort of thing... All these things generally take is explaining your situation to the uni.

 

I finished my BENG Mechanical last year, so I do know what you're going through (and I worked a minimum of 20 hours a week while studying).

Seroiusly? Where? I mean, not which company, but what kind of job? Like I said, I found a few casual jobs when studying engineering, but they were too erratic to easily live on. Eventually just had to bite the bullet and get full-time work.

 

 

 

I was working retail. Granted I was a decent enough salesperson that I made a bit of commission, but I worked every Thursday night (late night shopping) and Saturday and Sunday all day. Plus I'd try pick up a week shift as well if my uni timetable made for it...

 

Much prefer full time engineering now though :P

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It's got me curious as to why S/S's dad was going to cut him off so quickly after presumably happily supporting him for years

A trivial argument that spiraled out of control. Not something I'm going to air on the forums.

 

well it's clear from many of the replies in this thread that most Atomicans shouldn't be permitted to breed.

Fairly certain that applies to 90% of the people on this planet man. We muddle through, somehow.

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Special circumstances etc, you can defer exams and that sort of thing... All these things generally take is explaining your situation to the uni.

 

I finished my BENG Mechanical last year, so I do know what you're going through (and I worked a minimum of 20 hours a week while studying).

Seroiusly? Where? I mean, not which company, but what kind of job? Like I said, I found a few casual jobs when studying engineering, but they were too erratic to easily live on. Eventually just had to bite the bullet and get full-time work.

 

 

 

I was working retail. Granted I was a decent enough salesperson that I made a bit of commission, but I worked every Thursday night (late night shopping) and Saturday and Sunday all day. Plus I'd try pick up a week shift as well if my uni timetable made for it...

 

Much prefer full time engineering now though :P

 

Ah - well I sucked at sales. But it's hard to imagine how you found time to study after losing 2.5 days of your week - you, sir, may well be a better man than I.

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My parents are supportive, well, I thought they were...

 

My wife and I moved to the Hunter after 2 years of living toether in Sydney, we decided we had better luck at owning a house if we got out of the big smoke.

 

My parents let us stay in their house (I paid them board for the privilege) while we looked for a rental, after about 2 months, we found somewhere, and as we applied and handed over forms etc (just before bond stage) they told us to stay so we can save for a house to buy rather than waste money on rent (though I get the feeling it was more so they would have someone to house sit while they went to Europe).

 

Once we got shit sorted out in a better way, we decided to see about buying, we didn't have the savings to do a deposit based mortgage, so a guarantor it was, they said they would over and over, until it came time to actuall sit down and sign paperwork, all the things they were comfortable with before, they no longer were, and decided that no dice, no guarantor.

 

Luckily, we were able to pull some strings and get my wife's aunt to do it for us, we got the loan done, got the house and moved.

 

My parents have helped a bit, they are currently looking after our cats due to the wife being allergic to them and her recent eye operation being a problem for coping with said allergies.

 

So, my parents help, but I really think at the moment they are aiming for the bare minimum, which is fine, it is their choice, but should they fall on hard times and need my help, I can guarantee I will scrape by with the minimum as well.

 

This makes me sound less than grateful for their help before I reached adulthood, but I am not, I am very grateful, but at the same time, they are adults too and shouldn't expect me to bail them out.

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^ Family isn't about "balancing" or "comparing" what has been done for you though. Try just giving and seeing how much better it feels. I spent well over $1k on my mum's last birthday present (at a time when that was half a month's income) and never regretted it for a second. It felt really, really good to give back a little to her ... after all, she spent at least 16 years of her life caring, worrying, preparing, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc for me.

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^ Family isn't about "balancing" or "comparing" what has been done for you though. Try just giving and seeing how much better it feels. I spent well over $1k on my mum's last birthday present (at a time when that was half a month's income) and never regretted it for a second. It felt really, really good to give back a little to her ... after all, she spent at least 16 years of her life caring, worrying, preparing, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc for me.

As I said, I am grateful for what they have done, but it kind of ruined my view of them when they promised to do something for weeks, then when it came to crunch time, they said no without providing a reason.

 

I will still do things for them as I have done in the past, and will always be grateful for what I have now because of them, but I am not going to go out of my way to do extra shit for them when they wouldn't do the same for me.

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then when it came to crunch time, they said no without providing a reason.

Perhaps thats the center of the wild rollercoaster of a thread we've been having.

 

Noone sensible is going to complain about how much or how little free support you are giving them. The complaints roll in when you suddenly change that support without warning, which is no different to the rest of life I guess.

 

Everyone plans using what they have, and noone is impressed when they suddenly find all their plans are impossible because they suddenly lost something they thought they had access to.

 

So perhaps part of the answer is that support becomes spoiling when people complain about their support when it hasn't suddenly changed?

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well it's clear from many of the replies in this thread that most Atomicans shouldn't be permitted to breed.

I think what the OP demonstrates, is that in at least one case, it's too late for that :P~

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then when it came to crunch time, they said no without providing a reason.

Perhaps thats the center of the wild rollercoaster of a thread we've been having.

 

Noone sensible is going to complain about how much or how little free support you are giving them. The complaints roll in when you suddenly change that support without warning, which is no different to the rest of life I guess.

 

Everyone plans using what they have, and noone is impressed when they suddenly find all their plans are impossible because they suddenly lost something they thought they had access to.

 

So perhaps part of the answer is that support becomes spoiling when people complain about their support when it hasn't suddenly changed?

 

In short, you have a right to take the support from your parents for granted? It's always been there and given without question so it's safe to assume it'll always be there and always given without question. Clarify your point if I've misunderstood it.

 

Having to move out of home a couple of weeks before some exams is far from the worst thing that can happen to you. Yes, it makes life more difficult. Yes, it adds stress to what already had you feeling a bit fragile. But being a successful, capable, mature adult involves more than getting top marks in a tertiary degree without any fails, repeated subjects or anything less than a full-time study load. I'm not shitting on or dismissing your experience. I was a full-time student living out of home. I was, at several points, poor by most objective measures. I wound up at the university's student services desk asking for a short-term loan twice, something I never imagined I'd have to do. I'm not trying to say may experience was worse than yours or worse than anyone else's. I always ate. I always had a roof over my head. I had some difficulties that ranged from the usual minor shit--unable to afford textbooks--all the way to finding out, through a series of pretty shitty experiences that almost cost me my qualification, right when I was maybe two weeks from finishing, that I'd been disabled my whole life and never known. Always felt the impact but never known the cause. This maybe takes your mind away from that final, worth-everything-percent assignment. But it could be worse. It is, for loads of other people. I never reached the point where I actually had to quit studies altogether or drop back to part-time studies to just survive. I came close, more than once, but I didn't actually have to go down that road.

 

It can be done. You need to make it work. As an adult, you are responsible for your own well-being. Sometimes, life just gives you bags of lemons served with a side of creamed shit. It's not nice that sometimes this happens just as you're about to finish a degree, just as you're about to get have a child or just about to do something else that's really very undeniably super insanely important, but it happens. You can't just say oh, man, my parents and kind of dicks. Right at this most important moment they throw me to the wolves. Life has a stronger sense of dramatic timing than fairness. Even if it's a few weeks out from exams, maybe you need to just suck it up and speak to the uni. And be prepared to be told to drop a couple subjects and become a part-time or off-campus student. Or be prepared to spend the next few weeks not sleeping, while you scratch a living kicking shit and finish off a degree you've put a lot of effort into. Or watch those HDs slip down to Ds. It's not nice, I guess, that the degree has been made even harder than it's supposed to be, but it happens. What makes or breaks you as an adult is not a degree (altho', yes, a degree can help you get a good job), as the sort of person that can go off and become person capable of more than just smashing exams and solving abstract problems, is how you learn to jump the hurdles that life throws up, sidestep the piles of dogshit and press the fuck on. We're owed far less than we like to believe.

 

A hugely--maybe the most--important part of your education comes when you need to prepare your own meals, clean your own room, change your own lightbulbs, buy your own toilet paper and shampoo and everything else. Make rent. Cover those bills that land on your doorstep at the worst fucking time, like when you hit some fucking pot hole on the drive home and need to pay to get a couple tyres and a wheel rim replaced. It comes from landing on your feet when the rug is pulled out from under your feet--something that'll happen more than once. If you've made to near the end of a university degree before experiencing that in a serious way, life has been pretty fucking good. That is as much of a factor--perhaps even more--of a factor in determining how you fare in life.

Edited by Saponification

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Clarify your point if I've misunderstood it.

(I didn't read the rest of your post, by the way. I don't care that much, condense it if you want me to read it. if its just ranting, don't worry about it)

 

Its about making and breaking promises, isn't it?

 

I can't speak for your parents, but my parents always told me that my word was my bond, and it mattered.

 

I was taught, by the very man I had the disagreement with, over 20 years of my life, that if you say something like "While you study full time, I will make sure you have the resources to live and learn. Social costs are your own problem.", which was how it was put to me, you'd better stick to it. If you aren't gonna, don't make the offer.

 

People bank on these things man. If my dad had said to me"You'll have to pay your own way through uni, I'm not helping you" I'd have done an electricians apprenticeship instead, it was strongly on the cards for a long time.

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I dunno, apprentice wages are barely better than youth allowance <.>

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well it's clear from many of the replies in this thread that most Atomicans shouldn't be permitted to bread.

Yeah. Bakers do a much better job.

 

Rob.

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well it's clear from many of the replies in this thread that most Atomicans shouldn't be permitted to bread.

Yeah. Bakers do a much better job.

 

Rob.

 

Well we are talking about parents providing dough to kids who knead it, especially if you're a single mum with a bun in the oven.

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Clarify your point if I've misunderstood it.

(I didn't read the rest of your post, by the way. I don't care that much, condense it if you want me to read it. if its just ranting, don't worry about it)

 

Its about making and breaking promises, isn't it?

 

I can't speak for your parents, but my parents always told me that my word was my bond, and it mattered.

 

I was taught, by the very man I had the disagreement with, over 20 years of my life, that if you say something like "While you study full time, I will make sure you have the resources to live and learn. Social costs are your own problem.", which was how it was put to me, you'd better stick to it. If you aren't gonna, don't make the offer.

 

People bank on these things man. If my dad had said to me"You'll have to pay your own way through uni, I'm not helping you" I'd have done an electricians apprenticeship instead, it was strongly on the cards for a long time.

 

You probably should have read it. The summary is it's possible to get by without the support, whether you're lucky enough to even have it offered to you in the first place.

 

My parents said they'd help me get through uni. They haven't.

 

And that's fine. I've worked since I was 14, lived out of home since I was 19 and have made it work. I chose shift work that was flexible for time and paid well. Now I'm working full time doing a traineeship, casually in a second job and studying. I live well. Every choice has been to make it work, even if you can't afford to you can take a lot extra on board and still give to others.

 

They've been supporting my brother's education, not nearly as costly as mine, which is great as he's using his talent. I'm not resentful, I'm not going to get angry about it. I'm a capable adult.

Edited by Gir

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