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Takoma

Tak's back

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What's up party people. Tak reporting in after a few months offline.

 

One of my last posts before forced hiatus was pretty simple, I left my wife. We'd been married not quite two years, dating for five, and I'd spent seven years prior trying to get into them knickers, so it's a bit of a thing. At the crux of the matter was my own black headspace, and the knowledge that I'm not up for settling down. Probably should have thought about that before I got married, but there's no changing that now. She wanted kids, that's all she wants, and I don't. Not now, possibly not ever. I was pretty distant a lot of the time, and eventually after a little argument a lot of stuff that was rolling around my head came tumbling out and it became clear that I had to get the hell out of her way and stop leading her around my own internal journey in the hope that the destination was happiness and family. I don't know where my journey goes, but if that's the endpoint it's a long way off and I couldn't reconcile myself with the leading on I was doing so I crept up outta there.

 

She was real broken up. Still very much in love with me. By virtue of some pretty heavy emotional suppression internalised as a coping mechanism I wasn't sure I felt anything, certainly not love like people talk about it. I told her that a few times, not to hurt, but to be honest and open with my state of mind. I was about to say I'm not much for feelings just now but that's not the truth, what's true is that the only feelings I process and understand are bitterness, regret and torment. Grief. That sort of thing. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself or trying to cop out or anything, but the honest truth is I'm so much more at home down in the suck of it all than I am in a life of caring and sharing and new lives and happy memories.

 

Anyway I realised I wasn't as present and committed to her as she deserved, and I mean that. God, she's a great girl. The kind of easygoing, upright, understanding girl you really want to meet. Part of me wanted to cling to that knowing full well I'll never get another crack at a girl that good, but that'd be some selfish shit and I was tired of leading her by the hand through my nonsense. I'm probably making the same point ten different ways so long story short, I got out of the way of her happiness and left. Spent the next month or so as a walking knot of guilt for hurting her and wasting her time, but there's just nothing to be done about it. I'm back in the bowels of it and that's just part and parcel. We're still pretty cool, she was round here the other week and we had a pizza and a couple of laughs and it's nice to hear her making plans and getting on with it. She's tough as nails and I know she'll be just fine. I'll be fine. We'll be fine.

 

Part of my hesitation about kids probably goes back to my Dad. My Dad committed suicide when I was five and left my early twenties Mum in the lurch with two kids and fuck all. Not really sure where I fall on that one, part of me wonders what he was like and part of me's like well fuck that guy. I know if I had a kid I'd want to be the best Dad out and I'm not in that place, probably haven't ever been. I realise everyone shits themselves when they think about having kids but I think that's probably given me an extra little kick in the nuts about it all and I'm just stone cold not ready. Mum, to her credit, pulled her shit together and upon hearing of Dad's death she metaphorically clapped her hands together and said right, dinner's not going to cook itself and I've got kids to feed. There was dinner on the table that night and has been every night since. Same deal a few years ago when my little brother was killed in a motorcycle accident, she was four hundred k's away from me and rather than go to pieces at 3am she jumped in the car and drove four hours to my place, to catch me coming off night shift and be there with me when she broke the news. There used to be a little family unit of my Mum and Dad, me and my brother, and of that unit only she and I are left. She remarried to a good guy and I have two new brothers, and Mum's doing a ripper of a job. My Mum doesn't fuck around and I harbour serious doubts about my ability to live up to that stuff in my present way. I probably sound like I'm making excuses again but I'm pretty good at stepping back from myself and seeing the truth of it, and I know I'm not there yet. And so I got out of my partner's way so she can go crash tackle a man who is. I'm convinced I did the right thing, and my sadness over our breakup was centered solely on the pain I'd caused her rather than any hope of something good for myself. It was painful and comforting at the same time and I'm sure I'm right.

 

And so here I am. Freshly single and baching it hard, got myself a duplex half on the outskirts of town and just going day by day. I have a pretty isolated sort of existence, I catch up with friends now and then but by and large I'm just existing in the silence of my head. My head used to scream at me and tell me I was nothing and that I should pour boiling water on myself for being such a dropkick but it tends to leave me alone nowdays. I'm certainly a lifetime away from the scarifying torture that was my 20's, and I generally get the feeling that I'm going to be ok. I still carry a lot of black around with me and I am beseiged by the enormity of my regrets, but I reckon I'm a bit more eyes forward these days and I can accept the stuff that's gone before rather than berating myself about it.

 

This turned a bit heavy, sorry about that. Didn't mean it to be, was really more of a catch up thread being as I haven't had internet for three months. I still like it here. I still like you. Hi, Atomic. Nice to see youse.

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Never been that deep; but had similar emotions.

I also have a thing where I dont comprehend time internally. So things like breakups and falling in love, feel like they happened yesterday... at the same time.... every day... its torture.

 

Glad to see you back.

Glad you made a move you needed to.

Glad that you're able to be rational about it; life will move on. :)

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Guest xyzzy frobozz

Hey man!

 

Thanks for posting that, and it's great to see you back.

 

I won't patronise you with any sort of advice other than to say take it easy, and I wish you all the best.

 

:-)

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Good to see you back, man. Sorry for your troubles and woes. Nothing I've ever had to deal with so I can't offer anything worthwhile to help you out, but I'm sure you'll come out the other side a little better than you went in.

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Hi Takoma :) Glad to see you round again. Three months no internet ... interesting idea, just doubt my ability to not 'net.

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Yes, Glad you're back .

 

And good to hear you are doing ok, ..ok in the sense that you are dealing with and processing things.

Hope you don't draw a line under the conclusions you have come to, some times taking stock and putting things right , can be the start rather than an end point.

 

Hope I am not to obtuse with what I have said , difficult to say with out getting too advice-y, or life affirming-y, just suggesting that how things are now may not be the way they stay.

 

All the best Takoma see you round the forums :)

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Hey man, sorry to hear about your troubles. Can definitely sympathize with you as I've been there and felt the same way. I still feel the same sadness and guilt 5 yrs down the track, still wondering if I can ever forgive myself, but everyday, it does get easier. At the very least, you still have what sounds like a respectful relationship with her which I am envious of as my ex doesn't want me to contact her.

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Good to see you back.

 

Sounds like you did the best thing by her in ending the relationship before it just harder, no issues after a multiple year relationship breakup? tough as a bucket of nails more like.

 

And from the sound of it that can be applied very much to your mother as well.

 

Good luck with it all, hopefully you can eventually figure where you are and where you're going.

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Hey man!

 

Thanks for posting that, and it's great to see you back.

 

I won't patronise you with any sort of advice other than to say take it easy, and I wish you all the best.

 

:-)

Yeah what he said.

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Hey man!

 

Thanks for posting that, and it's great to see you back.

 

I won't patronise you with any sort of advice other than to say take it easy, and I wish you all the best.

 

:-)

Yeah what he said.

 

Man that's what I was going to say.

 

WB Tak \o/.

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Great to see you back Tak.

 

It's been hell not being able to tell the newbies to ignore you. ;{D

 

<o

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Had it occurred to you guys who didn't wish to patronise, that after three months away Takoma might have been suffering some

pretty major withdrawal issues and that a good patronise was in fact exactly the right approach ?!

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Guest xyzzy frobozz

Had it occurred to you guys who didn't wish to patronise, that after three months away Takoma might have been suffering some

pretty major withdrawal issues and that a good patronise was in fact exactly the right approach ?!

Given that he didn't ask for any advice, my fear was that giving any would come over as patronising.

 

It was written with the best of intentions.

 

Although I did find the following:

 

Hope you don't draw a line under the conclusions you have come to, some times taking stock and putting things right , can be the start rather than an end point.

... to be a great piece of advice. Sometimes love works in mysterious ways!

Edited by xyzzy frobozz

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:)

 

Hey Tak, good to see you, had been wondering.

 

Folks, I sorta know Tak, doubt he needed much more than a WB :)

 

Cheers

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WB Tak! :) Thought we'd lost you to the Great Diaspora. ;)

 

Sorry to hear about your troubles, man, but it sounds like you're dealing with it about as well as can be expected.

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Yo. I'd been wondering how that was all going, but didn't really feel comfortable asking.

 

I'm glad you're in a better place, despite it all.

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Yo. I'd been wondering how that was all going, but didn't really feel comfortable asking.

 

I'm glad you're in a better place, despite it all.

I had also noticed an absence of Tak, and similarly didn't ask what was up.

 

WB to the forums.

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Welcome back Tak!

 

Glad to hear you're surviving.

 

Now come and geek out over retro game hardware with me :P

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Never been that deep; but had similar emotions.

I also have a thing where I dont comprehend time internally. So things like breakups and falling in love, feel like they happened yesterday... at the same time.... every day... its torture.

 

Glad to see you back.

Glad you made a move you needed to.

Glad that you're able to be rational about it; life will move on. :)

That's because memory isn't linear, I think that happens to everyone.

 

Welcome back , tak :]

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Hey. Sounds like you've been busy doing some real life and living.

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Welcome back! Sounds like some heavy stuff's been going on, but good on you for having the guts to do what was right for you.

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