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Master_Scythe

2018? So I found a list I wrote in 2008~9

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I've been in a strange place for a while.

An uncontrollable desire to be alone, however while I'm alone, I constantly search for serendipitous company (then find it, and want to be alone, rinse and repeat).

 

So;

I was cleaning up my HDD, as I just got an 8TB external to do offsite backups on (YAY, finally!) < clearly this is the important bit :P

And I stumbled across a txt file I wrote almost 10 years ago.

 

2009....I was going through a stressful time with my vision starting to be treated, not yet realizing that I was depressed (for the same reason).

I guess in a sentimental night, I'd written out a list of everyone important to me, and a quick note as to why they were.

 

Reading through it, they're all gone.

Not dead, but either betrayed me, left the country, broken up, or just became uncontactable.

 

I used to throw 110% of myself into friendships and even more into relationships, and I'd never noticed that 100% of those investments ended in net losses.

No wonder I stopped investing.

I'd never stopped and thought about why on earth I was having such a hard time feeling myself around people, and it's nice (well, bittersweet) to have some 'logic' behind it.

 

Nowadays I have plenty of 'friends' but almost 0 'family' if that makes sense.

 

And....I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it yet.... clearly it's a hard thing to change, but at least I'm aware now!

(txt files.... is there anything they can't do?)

 

 

Why am I telling you all this?

At0mic - That's why.

It's been a source of stability, friends, debate, education and so much more.

So thank you, to everyone, our evil admin, our gods, every mod, every member.

For all the late nights of iSketch, IRC rants, all the days of distraction instead of school work, all the years of learning, and all the memories of friendship.

You guys rock.

 

Here's to a better and more self aware new year for me!

Lets see if I can learn something this year :)

Edited by Master_Scythe
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Going to sleep now, but I have a reply for you when i get back.

 

[much later]

 

Yeah... That reply I had evaporated with sleep. Spent the time since then trying to reconstruct it, but its just...gone.

 

Anyway.

 

I get on great with my Mum (no surprise - everyone does), not so much with my sister but still friendly, and I get along well enough with almost everyone... I have at times had groups of people I met up with on(semi)regular basis, and enjoyed spending time with them. That kind of friend that gets written about, the one that discusses your feels, is happy for you when you get the girl, and helps hide the body after it goes bad..? That is not something I've ever experienced - from either side. I don't think that is me not meeting anyone deeper than a saucer - I think that's personal preference. From the utter lack of other people trying to confide that sort of thing in me, either I radiate "stay over there" or nobody else really wants that either.

 

This eclectic group of weirdos here, though, feel kinda like pieces flaked off the same rock: all different, but all similar. And like that metaphoric shard, I'll just go right on being what and where I am for a geological age. ;)

Edited by Cybes

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I am hearing this as a continuing theme from people I know

I think as we get older, we get wiser, and able to see the real person

sometimes what we saw as a quirky trait, is an annoying habit

 

the benefit of online only friends is that we can switch them off when they get overpowering

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Strange, I was thinking about this last week and decided that the real people on Atomic are the ones that still post.

 

I'm sure we had a mass migration to FB, but that just shows how ephemeral some people can be, I never touch it personally.

 

Cheers

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A pattern I sometimes pick up on is some "friends" only seem to make contact when they want a favour.

A proper friend will make contact for no particular reason, just to shoot the breeze.

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A pattern I sometimes pick up on is some "friends" only seem to make contact when they want a favour.

A proper friend will make contact for no particular reason, just to shoot the breeze.

 

Very true.

 

Though even those people in my life (there's probably 2?) don't know all about me.

I still live a double, maybe 2.5x life....

ah well.

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If people come back for a second convo with me then I figure the fault's theirs :P

 

I don't want people to know me inside out, it seems a little invasive to me. Having said that I am aware that some do think they know me better than I do... after all, I know I think I know some folk pretty damn well myself ;)

 

I find these days I have people I can and do connect with that I might not physically see in years. Not many mind, but enough. As for atomic, well it's still teaching me how to behave better, and I'm glad to have a space here amongst

the community. Those that still post may have dwindled but, as we found out recently, the lurkers still lurk.

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I miss the hubble and bubble of the forum in its heyday. The noise. The drama. The joys found in watching people grow, change, come together and tear apart. The challenges of so many different personalities competing and clashing as well as meshing and melding.

 

I love today's quiet relevance. The ability to go away for a few days break and be able to catch up on recent posts without spending hours wading through the noise. The shining personalities of those of us who are left huddled around a dimming fire, watching the crackle and spark in solemn reverence and tranquil companionship. The true bonds of something shared over more years than expected. Watching and loving the bright moments when someone not seen in a while reappears out of the surrounding darkness and just as quickly vanishes back into the gloom. Sharing the current joys and frustrations of those I am comfortable amongst.

 

Knowing that there are people out there who are still with me on my journey and will probably remain with me for a long time to come.

 

at0micmpc rex

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One of my best friends, my kids and my in-laws all live overseas.

 

It doesn't change much.

 

 

A pattern I sometimes pick up on is some "friends" only seem to make contact when they want a favour.

A proper friend will make contact for no particular reason, just to shoot the breeze.

I have a few dozen friends I have not caught up with because life and would like to, but life, and I will go out of my way to not see them if it means asking them for a favour, because I don't want to be seen as the person that only catches up to ask them for favours, no matter how small, and that in hindsight is pretty stupid. Edited by Nich...

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Its funny isn't it. The older we get, the fewer people we hang around with, or rather, feel like hanging with. 15 years or so ago, I would not feel right if I didn't at the very least go to a place where there were lots of people, where drinking was the only way to relax and let go. Since then, I've stopped drinking and feel more comfortable staying at home rather than having to go somewhere to feel normal. Epiphanies start hitting me in the face all over the place and then suddenly almost everything's clear. I used to worry where I was heading, constantly thinking that I had to go somewhere, progress. Now, there is nothing better than coming home to my wife and my gorgeous daughter, both of whom make me feel like the luckiest guy in the world when they aren't ganging up on me that is, hehe.

 

I don't know. I just see the world differently these days. Almost like the difference between William Riker and Thomas Riker.

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