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NZT48

A Brief History of the Spiritual and Mental Health of David Mark Brown

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I am writing about my spiritual and mental heath in order to confess and clear things up. I am writing about my spiritual and mental health together because (for me at least) they are intertwined.

 

Growing up

 

I was brought up going to church each Sunday which from when I was two or three years of age was at North Belconnen Uniting Church. I recall one service when I was young at which there was a visiting Moderator. She was up the front not talking and looking around and I knew I should run up the front where she was and loosen my tongue but I did not.

 

I also recall being at primary school one lunch or recess break and my friends making crosses with their fingers at me. I did not understand this at the time but I think they must have sensed that I was doing evil.

 

I also recall being on a primary school camp and the girls next door saying the chair moved (by itself). I believe I was responsible for this. I made light of it with my friends and tried to appear fearless but I was terrified.

 

I also recall a time when I was in primary school when I was fishing with a friend (whose name is Josh who was our next door neighbour and whose father was a Baptist Pastor who was a missionary from America) and there was a retarded man running and crying out and I could tell it was connected to my evil or my sin in the sense that I was part of and/or was contributing to and/or was forming the public attitude that had a problem with it, and I made fun of him by saying “okay then” even though I knew it was wrong.

 

I stopped going to church when I was allowed to because I found it boring. I was twelve or thirteen years of age at the time. Over time I became an atheist and my atheism grew.

 

I recall my last day of primary school when most of my friends and a lot of the girls, perhaps most of my year were sitting in the playground in a circle without me. It was very unusual for the boys and the girls to be together and I think I played a part in previously keeping them apart. I felt like I wasn’t right or good and like I wasn’t part of the proper relationships between boys and girls and very much excluded and perhaps like death.

 

In high school I sometimes got called “gay” or “fag”. I think partly that is what boys do but also at least some of the time there was something more to it and I was relating to girls and my friends wrong and there was something wrong with me. A lot of the time in high school I felt like there was something wrong with me, and I was socially awkward.

 

Aged 16 to 21

 

When I was sixteen I became part of the ACTAS (Australian Capital Territory Academy of Sport) Talent Search program or Talent Identification Program in rowing and it was in this group that I came across the first girl I ever had strong feelings for (whose name is Sarah). I was invited to go to two parties that I knew she was going to and I could tell it was good for me to go but I was not courageous enough to go. I did not relate properly to the opposite sex and I was well into my twenties before I ever had a girlfriend or properly kissed a woman.

 

When I was seventeen I was diagnosed with depression by my GP and put on antidepressants. I recall 11 September, 2001 when the mass murder and destruction occurred in USA. I watched the television footage many times. I recall being very depressed around this time and spending a lot of time in bed and not properly attending school.

 

I recall a time when Mum asked us what we thought about a German exchange student (named Kiya) coming to stay with us. I was kind of hopeful I could have a relationship with her and I supported it and I decided I would have a proper go at life and I took myself off the antidepressants and she came to stay with us and many times I wanted to have sex with her but I didn’t.

 

I have looked at pornography and masturbated a lot, especially since I was in year 11 or year 12, a lot of the time when I knew it was wrong. It started off pretty innocent but I think the older I got the more wrong I realised it was.

 

During this time period I preached atheism.

 

I recall a time at TAFE when I saw a group of three young women sitting on the grass and I knew I should go over to them and ask if I could sit with them and that it would be good and the way forward but I was very uncourageous and did not.

 

Aged from 21 on

 

At the end of 2004 when I was 21 years old I was ready for my final piece of assessment of an advanced diploma in network engineering at TAFE. When I woke up in the morning the direction I was going in and things felt meaningless. As the day went on that meaninglessness grew. My life was meaningless. I got in the car and drove toward the TAFE campus but did a U-turn then I did another U-turn then another one, etc. Eventually I came back home and I shouted “fucking hell” at the top of my voice over and over again. This went on for weeks or months. Dad found out that I could be calmed with the use of sleeping pills though they did not put me to sleep. Eventually I saw a vision of Christ which did not make sense to me because I believed God does not exist, and God told me to tell people “Jesus lives”. I did not do it. I wanted the worldly benefits of atheism without the downside. I stayed up all night playing a violent computer game called Counter-Strike all the while God was telling me to tell people “Jesus lives”. In the morning I drank five cups of very strong tea each with five tea bags to try to keep myself awake because I did not want to go to sleep. I fell asleep on my back on my bed. When I woke up I could not move or speak and I was levitating above my bed and I was rising and I could see blackness swirling above me and I think increasing in size and I knew I was going to hell. This is the scariest thing I have ever experienced. Eventually I was able to speak and I said “God please help me” and slowly I was lowered back down to my bed and I regained control of my body.

 

God kept telling me to tell people “Jesus lives” but I did not do it. It seemed it got harder to do each time and I wanted it to get easier. I found the feeling of going to hell returning and I found that I could stave it off by taking Stilnox benzodiazepine sleeping tablets. It seemed to help spiritually. I became addicted and I was taking two at a time perhaps four times per day. To keep up my supply I was going around to various GPs and lying about needing it for sleep. The apparent help I received from taking benzodiazepines continued for many years. When it came to a point where I ran out of supply and I tried to go to the hospital to get some more benzodiazepines and Dad found out what was going on I was admitted to the psychiatric ward at Calvary Hospital where I was put on diazepam and weaned off. The whole time God was trying to guide me and I refused to be guided by him.

 

Eventually God stopped talking to me, at least in a way that I could understand. I went for a period of three days during which I apparently had no communication from God. After that there was no doubt in my mind God was telling me to kill myself and that I knew I would go to hell. Obviously I didn’t do this because I did not want to go to hell and with each opportunity to kill myself I missed there was no doubt in my mind I was going to a worse place in hell where I would suffer more. Eventually the corruption spread to my family and there was no doubt in my mind I was causing them to go to hell. With each opportunity I missed to kill myself the corruption spread more. I could tell whole countries were going to hell and eventually the whole world and eventually there was no doubt in my mind that because of me those in heaven, even the popes and the saints and even Christ himself were/was in hell so that the only one left in heaven was God. I was the Antichrist. I was with my father’s parents at their holiday house in Mallacoota at the time and I recall drawing on Mel Gibson for strength shortly after which I heard about his famous anti-Semitic tirade and I could tell it was connected to me. I also recall while I was there I cut the veins in my wrist with a knife from the kitchen and bled until I was just about to pass out at which point I stopped the bleeding.

 

After this I visited Dad who was living in Melbourne and I was admitted to the psychiatric ward at Dandenong Hospital where I was put on amisulpride and I believe Zoloft and I think when the doctor(s) realised that it wasn’t going to stop me being suicidal I had six sessions of electroconvulsive therapy which I hated, in part because of the memory loss. I lied and conveyed that I was not suicidal any more because I wanted the ECT to stop and I was discharged and went back home to Spence in Canberra with Mum and the family and I suppressed the knowledge that I was going to hell and my suicidality. After a while I came off the amisulpride.

 

After a while there was no doubt in my mind that God was telling me to kill myself again and I prepared a noose on the garage rafter to do it. Mum called the police and I was taken to The Canberra Hospital and admitted to the psychiatric ward. While I was there I was put on zuclopenthixol decanoate which, at a level of 300 mg fortnightly, started working so I no longer had God telling me to kill myself for most of the fortnight which was a huge relief. When I prayed, instead of words I got a small sense of love that I knew could grow. For some of the fortnight, while the medication was at its lowest, I still had the psychosis but I lied and conveyed otherwise so I could leave because I hated being there. I now realise the aforementioned three day period where I had no communication with God was the transition period to becoming psychotic.

 

After I was discharged I saw another psychiatrist and I asked for the zuclopenthixol decanoate to be increased and it was increased to 400 mg and so for the whole fortnight period I was not psychotic any more. I experienced side-effects, most notably occasional extreme weakness, eventually being hardly able to chew so I requested a change of medication and so I was put on Risperidone. I was prescribed Risperidone tablets but I did not take them and the psychosis did not return. I wanted to prove that I did not need the medication. Eventually the truth became known and I was put on the injection form of Risperidone which at the recommended level gave me a recurring nightmare in which I was falling through the earth and went to an underground cave with huge monsters who were going after me and others.

 

I recall one time at Spence when I heard hell which was a very scary experience and a scare that was needed because that’s where I was heading.

 

I recall an admission to TCH when I was well into my twenties and a young woman named Emilia who was of Italian descent started kissing me. This was the first time I had properly been kissed. I did not really respond at first and I was quite obtuse but as time went on attraction grew and I responded positively and I felt good and more manly and more whole. We spent lots of time together. While we were there a man called Phil was admitted and he hung around us a lot and I could tell he was playing psychological mind games. One time Phil was following me and Emilia and he was doing black magic on Emilia and I knew I should grab him by the throat and hold him up against the wall but I didn’t and he put a spell on Emilia as she said.

 

While I was living at a Richmond Fellowship house someone knocked on the door and I answered it and the man who was there, who is a Frenchman called Fred, asked me if I believe The Bible is the word of God. I answered “yes” then he asked me who the ruler of this world is. Fred offered to help me study The Bible each week and I accepted. He gave me a book to read called “What Does the Bible Really Teach?. Fred was a Jehovah’s Witnesses elder. I think I read through about a third of the book before I next saw him and I had a problem with a lot of it but I did not communicate so, though I should have. Eventually I went to their place of worship and the holy spirit told me to say “so this is where you worship Satan” but I did not say it. I continued going to their meetings and I had lots of good opportunity to speak up and help them but I did not take it.

 

While I was staying at the Richmond Fellowship house and was hanging around with the Jehovah’s Witnesses people I was struggling and I needed a wife so I asked God for a wife many times. Eventually a new Richmond Fellowship employee named Dorota started working in the Richmond Fellowship house on Wednesday evenings. At the beginning her getting anything out of me was like getting blood from a stone but slowly over time I opened up and we had good conversations and eventually I fell in love with her. God had answered my prayers. But I did not take her as my wife. I had many, many opportunities to make my move that I did not take. I recall once we were sitting on the lounge and out of the blue she asked “what?” and the holy spirit told me to say “I love you” and I did not say it and then again she asked “what?” and the holy spirit told me to say “I love you” and I did not say it. I also recall a time with Dorota when I could hear the angels in heaven singing. They were saying “David found a wife”. I should have told Dorota but I did not. Eventually I told her “I love you” but it had hardly any weight to it and she was not receptive to it. After that I said “this is my schizophrenia” and I spiralled downward and drank lots of alcohol and I was suicidal. I had l left it too late and the chance I had at love and peace and happiness and wholeness was gone.

 

I recall an admission to The Canberra Hospital where after a while I was given the option to transfer to Calvary Hospital. I did not take the opportunity. Eventually I was discharged. I knew I needed to go to hospital so I gave the impression of being more suicidal than I was and I was taken to Calvary Hospital and admitted to the psychiatric ward there where I met a young woman called Megan who I fell in love with which is why I needed to go to Calvary Hospital. Many times the holy spirit told me to tell her I think she is the sexiest chick I have ever seen but I did not. Eventually I did tell her but it was too late and I took it back and I was messing with her heart and causing her problems. I had missed a great opportunity at love.

 

During that admission I met a young woman called Christine who had chronic pain from being hit by a car. One time there was an excursion to see a film. I knew I should not go and that I should try to persuade Christine to try medicinal cannabis but I went. When I got back Christine had been discharged and there was a card on my bed from the chaplain who tried to visit. After that I prayed for Christine every morning and every evening for months. I later learned she killed herself which I believe happened because I stopped praying for her.

 

In closing

 

Many times over the years I have asked God for my spiritual problems to be converted into mental problems and for me to get help. Maybe those prayers have been answered. Whatever the case, the root of my problems has been spiritual. Having the mental health services available that have been available and having the mental health professionals’ help that I have received has truly been a great blessing and I believe most of that help has been spiritual, of which a lot has been from nurses and patients praying for me. I believe I am now in good mental health and without excuse for wrong action.

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Dude I think you should see your GP and ask to get referred to get some counselling.

 

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You know, it's great that you found religion a useful tool to get you through life. Many people have.

What's less than great is the subtext that because it worked for you, that it's a universal truth and everyone else is wrong.

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Oh that just reminded me of an article about Bill Hayden getting baptised at the grand age of 88 ( I think it was ) ... he either clearly knows how he feels about it all, or is  reverting back to early childhood ?

He was known as an atheist 

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-10-01/bill-hayden-explains-why-he-decided-to-be-baptised/10316846

Edited by eveln
for link

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2 hours ago, TheManFromPOST said:

god is a construct devised to control others

for some people that's the best control they get

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Sorry dude.  There aren't many on this forum that will give you a Hallelujah or even care.  You probably need to head over to christians.com or somewhere for a better response.  Here, we are multi-denominational, open to all creeds, races and thought structures.  It's only the illegal and nasty stuff we won't tolerate.  From anyone.

While it's great religion works for you and helps your mental issues, it's not the answer for everyone (no matter what you are told to think).  You won't convert anyone here, and standing on your soapbox screaming at the uncaring masses is fine but don't expect any more reaction here than you would get in front of woolies (although you might not get punched in the mouth here, which could be considered a bonus).

Good luck with whatever works for you.  If it makes your life better, that's great.   You've said your piece now.  Let's leave it at that.

  • Yes Sir! Very atomic! 3

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3 hours ago, TheManFromPOST said:

god is a construct devised to control others

All I can say is thank God he found God.

Otherwise based on his bullshit and the explanation of his delusions above, we’d be talking about him as the guy who shares a cell with Arthur Bryant for much the same reason.

There’s a way to be mentally unwell without being a mental midget. Hard to give a shit when he fails even that low bar.

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2 hours ago, Chaos.Lady said:

Sorry dude.  There aren't many on this forum that will give you a Hallelujah or even care.  You probably need to head over to christians.com or somewhere for a better response.  Here, we are multi-denominational, open to all creeds, races and thought structures.  It's only the illegal and nasty stuff we won't tolerate.  From anyone.

While it's great religion works for you and helps your mental issues, it's not the answer for everyone (no matter what you are told to think).  You won't convert anyone here, and standing on your soapbox screaming at the uncaring masses is fine but don't expect any more reaction here than you would get in front of woolies (although you might not get punched in the mouth here, which could be considered a bonus).

Good luck with whatever works for you.  If it makes your life better, that's great.   You've said your piece now.  Let's leave it at that.

Well said.

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I just think it was very brave of DMB to post that, I may not agree with it, I have no belief whatsoever in a GOD but it takes courage to be that open about yourself.

 

Cheers

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Posted (edited)
On 10/2/2018 at 7:04 PM, NZT48 said:

And God's grace is sufficient that even after all that I can be saved!

The thing is Telling people Jesus Lives is good, if they hear the word they will respond.

We have free choice .

Trying to brow beat, bully, strongly insist the word into folks is not the way.

 

Its got to come from the inside, not from somebody else.

All the best  NZT48 .  🙂

 

 

 

Edited by Waltish

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Posted (edited)

My primary thought is whether the church has done a real number on you or the schizophrenia would have appeared anyway. What I can be sure of is that there is no spiritual entity responsible for any part of your life and you are neither at fault for the events that occurred to others that you seem to blame your self for, nor is hell coming to you or anyone else.

 

Unfortunately I have seen many people turn to religion when their mental health has suffered. They need something to hold onto, and the church is very happy to milk it. 

 

I really hope you find a way to manage your condition with as little trauma as possible in the future. As much as I disdain organised religion and am inclined towards atheism, I can't imagine living with the sorts of thoughts bestowed upon you.  

 

Edited by SacrificialNewt
Grammar
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