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hulkster

Trust issues not helping me move on.

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I'm having trouble letting someone in fully. My history with relationships hasn't been great, probably mostly my fault.  I have always been weary of people in general, but after a few relationships that went pair shaped I have major trust issues.

First marriage at 19 ( Yeah, I know) ended after finding my wife with another guy.

One two year relationship ended when I got home to find the house empty, except for a spoon, bowl and fork. That morning she got her licence back ( after losing it for 18 months) and was the same day we registered the XY falcon I had been building her over those 18 months. She wanted it in her name so we did, she dropped me at work and that was the last I ever saw her or the car.

Second marriage ended 4 years ago after I walked out after 21 years.  I since found out she had met her new husband in the last 12 months of our marriage and that's when things changed for me.

Had a two year relationship with a women that was living with her Husband. Told me they lived separate lives etc, separate bedrooms, separate everything. And yep, I believed her until her husband followed her  to my place and found out about me.  All made sense later on, all the secret squirrel stuff.  They were definitely still sharing a life. 

Another relationship cost my about $12,000 in cash loans to a long time friend that later become a partner. Was told afterwards by her sister she set me up.

There are more, but no need to go into any more details on my stupidity.

BUT, I have met a  very nice girl and I've been with her for the last 12 months, we have fun, we care about each other. She has her house and I have mine.  We spend most weekends together. She has recently mentioned maybe one day moving in together. That scares the shit out of me. I love our time together but I LOVE my time too. I guess I'm just waiting for the day it goes pear shaped and that is unfair to her and probably me.

Currently on medication for my bi-polar but still have issues and not sure its helping with my decision making. Letting her all the way is the hardest part for me but I think she needs me to.

I have no real question, just venting I guess to strangers 🙂

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Mate, that's a pretty bad run of luck with relationships, and hope it helped to write about it.

I'm probably the last person to give relationship advice, but I would say that there's no fixed answers, and you have be comfortable with your choices, so if something is scaring the shit out of you, it's not something you have to force yourself to do.

You say 'waiting for it to go pear shaped' is unfair to you and her. I imagine it's no fairer for either of you if you move in together and you're not ready for it. Relationships shouldn't have a script unless you both want it - Its up to you and her if there's any set milestones that should happen, and if there is a schedule.

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Had a few myself mate, my wife and I are presently separated and in different states but talk daily.

The separation was not really of either of our doing, interfering kids who caught her at the wrong time but eventually it will probably sort out, certainly not really looking at all just now.

I've heard bi-polar meds can mess you around, probably worth a chat with your doctor.

Best of luck, all you can do is what suits you best,  the future is never pre-written 🙂

Cheers

 

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I'll throw in my 2c. Try to not think of how things should be or how you should feel but go with what is a realise you are and feel how you do. Give the relationship and yourself time and it either works out or it doesn't but, generally speaking, putting pressure on something to be something other than it is doesn't make for something better in the long term. 

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2 hours ago, hulkster said:

I'm having trouble letting someone in fully.

[...]

I have no real question, just venting I guess to strangers 🙂

Man, I am not the guy to talk to about relationship advice.  You have my sympathy, though.

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Sympathies here too.

I can relate to trust issues, had them on a few occasions but got over it.  The problem is you don't really get many of the good things in life without putting yourself at a bit of risk.

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separate houses, independent but get on well ?

 

moving in sounds like a downgrade to me

 

i figure if you enjoy your own company and enjoy hers too, then share it when you are together, and relish the fact that you are your own person too

anything that happens from there can take as long as you like

 

maybe "moving in together" is her way of saying she wants to be together ? sharing accommodation is just getting crowded

 

the best year and a half of my life was spent living apart from the woman i adored - first in 2 houses, and then in two different states

made being together really special, something that moving in might have made sour - but i'll never know, because she died, and while i have been married now for almost 30 years, and with the same woman for years longer than that), it's not the same sharing a space as it is sharing a longing for each other at any distance

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4 hours ago, hulkster said:

She has recently mentioned maybe one day moving in together. That scares the shit out of me. I love our time together but I LOVE my time too. I guess I'm just waiting for the day it goes pear shaped and that is unfair to her and probably me.

Does it seem like this venting you just did here is something you could do for her to help her understand your trepidation? You are right that prolonging something you can foresee not working out is unfair... for both parties. Just talk about the issues, if she understands... that's great.

5 hours ago, hulkster said:

Currently on medication for my bi-polar but still have issues and not sure its helping with my decision making.

I feel for ya buddy. It's hard to be rational when there is an irrational power working against you. Like trying to do sums on a dodgy calculator. You seem open to discussing these issues, so have you thought about counseling/psychology? Just having a chat with someone else to sound off to get a better idea of what to do?

5 hours ago, hulkster said:

Letting her all the way is the hardest part for me but I think she needs me to

I know it can feel great to be needed by a person you love, but... there is a danger there. It's not healthy to be in a relationship solely to give to someone else, it needs to be reciprocal. You might find yourself unsatisfied and the relationship could end. 

4 hours ago, chrisg said:

I've heard bi-polar meds can mess you around, probably worth a chat with your doctor.

they certainly can... rock and a hard place.

2 hours ago, Rybags said:

The problem is you don't really get many of the good things in life without putting yourself at a bit of risk.

This ^^

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Not qualified or experienced to give the advice.  

So  Here I  GO.  (In for a penny in for a pound!)

1)  Have you talked to her about the trust issues?  Why you maybe like this?

2)  Have you signed a pre-nup or similar?  Would that help with your mental wellbeing knowing that you'd be secure if there was a legal document there supporting you?

 

AD

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7 hours ago, hulkster said:

BUT, I have met a very nice girl and I've been with her for the last 12 months, we have fun, we care about each other. She has her house and I have mine.  We spend most weekends together. She has recently mentioned maybe one day moving in together. That scares the shit out of me. I love our time together but I LOVE my time too. I guess I'm just waiting for the day it goes pear shaped and that is unfair to her and probably me.

does she know, a) that you feel this way, and b) why you feel this way?  if not, then i suspect youve got more to gain than lose by laying it out there.

even if she is the kind of person who sees relationships as existing on a one-way train towards cohabitation, it might make all the difference in the world to her if she fully understands why you might want to slow that train down.  i mean, youre very happy with the journey so far, so you absolutely dont want to divert the train or reverse it, and you dont even want to slam on the brakes — just lay off the accelerator a bit. right? 

 

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Mein Gotte!!  Hulkster, I give you kudos for your tenacity

I have met a few couples ( whilst they be on hols together ) who's regular life sounds similar to what you're currently doing. They seem happy and chatty and caring toward one another. Some holidaying couples you see might be sitting together,
but they still be in their own universe . I can imagine them at home being the same way ... very comfortable together, just different to the former.

edit: just to point the average age of these couples would be mid fifties

To me, you seem like you like how you're currently living.

You know, if you do decide to shack up together umm, give a trusted neighbour your emergency contact number  😛  ... christ some of us (femmes ) can be absolute cunts.

12 minutes ago, @~thehung said:

does she know, a) that you feel this way, and b) why you feel this way?  if not, then i suspect youve got more to gain than lose by laying it out there.

I nearly said something like that ^^  too ... but well it's really opening yourself wide to well fuck, just about anything isn't it ?

Edited by eveln

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Well, I guess I'm qualified to give an opinion as I've been single for 6 years and plan to be single for life because I've learned better.

 

So, if you're happy with how it is presently, maybe cross the bridge of her seriously asking to move in together when it comes.

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I’m the last person to give relationship advice but I can’t see what’s so bad about telling her you’ve got some issues and maybe moving in together is a thing you can do but for now you’re really happy and want some more time before making the leap?

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18 hours ago, eveln said:

I nearly said something like that  [explaining exactly what he feels and why]  too ... but well it's really opening yourself wide to well fuck, just about anything isn't it ?

"just about anything" is a little strong, but yes, its safe to assume there would be a right and wrong way to go about it 😄

generally speaking, women are more prone than men to hyper vigilance about 'not wasting their time' in a dead end relationship, partly due to comparatively higher risk vs reward in their most fertile years.   so anything even reminiscent of the language of imminent desertion is liable to trigger false positives and lead to a communicative world of pain.

imo, this is one instance where candid emotional nakedness is better than diplomacy.  ie. get those bullshit detector systems fully disarmed and offline before proceeding!

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maybe i'm just old an weird, but if i could afford to live alone with an option for a part-time relationship and no complications, i'd be very content - there's nothing about loving someone that demands you have to be anywhere near them

indeed, the person in the world i am closest to emotionally lives interstate and we talk once in a blue moon, and see each other even less... and whenever we are together it's like the pause button has been pressed until we reconnect on another perfect day; she's just great, and we adore each other, though in the strange way of some relationships we have never been "hot" for each other, but share a mutual appreciation and respect that is astoundingly sincere

 

cohabitation is really an experiment to see just how hard you are to live with, and i am sure has ruined many otherwise perfectly good relationships

 

it's the time being apart that really amplifies the beauty of being together, while providing enough personal space to remain true to yourself...  constantly being with the same people doesn't bring out the best in me, it reveals to me what a selfish life i would live if i was left to please myself, and not in a rude or ungracious way - my brain is too busy to need the constant complications of mundane life, and the responsibilities of parenthood and supporting a spouse are tiring in spite of how awesome offspring are

 

and perhaps  i'm just old and grumpy, but at some point i think that's the true nature of being an ancient male - not unhappy, but wanting to enjoy my own chosen path, which includes large amounts of pottering around being amused by obscure stuff that i love

 

and spontaneously discovering new things, and sometimes having socialising happen as a surprise, not as some pre-arranged "occasion" or regular expectation

 

thought i'd throw this in for good effect

 

 

Edited by scruffy1

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4 hours ago, @~thehung said:

"just about anything" is a little strong, but yes, its safe to assume there would be a right and wrong way to go about it 😄

generally speaking, women are more prone than men to hyper vigilance about 'not wasting their time' in a dead end relationship, partly due to comparatively higher risk vs reward in their most fertile years.   so anything even reminiscent of the language of imminent desertion is liable to trigger false positives and lead to a communicative world of pain.

imo, this is one instance where candid emotional nakedness is better than diplomacy.  ie. get those bullshit detector systems fully disarmed and offline before proceeding!

Thing is Hulkster is not, at this stage, too confident in his bullshit detector, hence the thread being here ... well, that's my reading of it for now. So even if he were to give his background to her how is he to successfully
gauge her true reaction ?

Also the present lady of his life sounds established enough in her own right. At least as far as owning her own premises goes. Walt's thought was that if the cohabitation were to proceed, then perhaps Hulkster could move in with her, and keep his and lease it out.

 

Edited by eveln

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46 minutes ago, eveln said:

So even if he were to give his background to her how is he to successfully gauge her true reaction ?

the hoped for result of putting his cards on the table = the buying of time, right?   permission to be as thorough and cautious as he needs to be without stressing about it because he knows his motivations have been understood and accepted by her. 

my thinking is, the longer something like this remains unspoken the more potentially destructive it can be to a relationship.   conversely, if she is a bad egg, this would probably help to unmask it sooner rather than later.  

a stitch in time saves nine. 

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40 minutes ago, @~thehung said:
1 hour ago, eveln said:

So even if he were to give his background to her how is he to successfully gauge her true reaction ?

the hoped for result of putting his cards on the table = the buying of time, right?   permission to be as thorough and cautious as he needs to be without stressing about it because he knows his motivations have been understood and accepted by her. 

my thinking is, the longer something like this remains unspoken the more potentially destructive it can be to a relationship.   conversely, if she is a bad egg, this would probably help to unmask it sooner rather than later.  

a stitch in time saves nine. 

You know, we're assuming here that his lady is not conversant with his past, or at least I am. Maybe hulkster and she have talked and maybe the end result is her making noises of cohabitation ...

Perhaps that's messing with his head  somewhat ...

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2 hours ago, eveln said:

Thing is Hulkster is not, at this stage, too confident in his bullshit detector, hence the thread being here ... well, that's my reading of it for now. So even if he were to give his background to her how is he to successfully
gauge her true reaction ?

Also the present lady of his life sounds established enough in her own right. At least as far as owning her own premises goes. Walt's thought was that if the cohabitation were to proceed, then perhaps Hulkster could move in with her, and keep his and lease it out.

 

I think the outpouring of his heart his to say that his heart has been hurt so many times... and the pain is so bad... he doesn't want to risk it getting hurt again.

When it has happened every time, it's like being asked to brace yourself before you get stabbed. Scary stuff and I don't blame him.

Edited by SceptreCore

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4 minutes ago, SceptreCore said:
2 hours ago, eveln said:

Thing is Hulkster is not, at this stage, too confident in his bullshit detector, hence the thread being here ... well, that's my reading of it for now. So even if he were to give his background to her how is he to successfully
gauge her true reaction ?

Also the present lady of his life sounds established enough in her own right. At least as far as owning her own premises goes. Walt's thought was that if the cohabitation were to proceed, then perhaps Hulkster could move in with her, and keep his and lease it out.

 

I think the outpouring of his heart his to say that his heart has been hurt so many times... and the pain is so bad... he doesn't want to risk it getting hurt again.

When it has happened every time, it's like being asked to brace yourself before you get stabbed. Scary stuff and I don't blame him.

Edited 3 minutes ago by SceptreCore

not sure what you are getting at. I don't blame him either ... not sure why I would tbh. < confused >

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How are you feeling about all this hulkster? Are people on the right track? Are you wanting these sorts of suggestions because I understand if you just wanted to get it off your chest and not have it all examined. 

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7 minutes ago, fliptopia said:

How are you feeling about all this hulkster? Are people on the right track? Are you wanting these sorts of suggestions because I understand if you just wanted to get it off your chest and not have it all examined. 

don't be silly 😉 ... if it was just a mind-dump he would have put it in WOYM... hulkster knows the rules better than most. Starting a thread means one is, or should be ready for any and everything.
This place is not 4chan.

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2 hours ago, eveln said:

not sure what you are getting at. I don't blame him either ... not sure why I would tbh. < confused >

I was not at all saying that you do blame him, I was just expressing that I know why he's hesitant. Heartbreak is one of the worst pains.

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7 hours ago, eveln said:

don't be silly 😉 ... if it was just a mind-dump he would have put it in WOYM... hulkster knows the rules better than most. Starting a thread means one is, or should be ready for any and everything.
This place is not 4chan.

Oh for sure. I felt the same way when I posted. I also felt that it doesn't hurt to ask if we are getting off track for what he was after. Maybe we are and maybe this is exactly what hulkster wants :). Sometimes it's nice to just have permission for an out if it's too much. 

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