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eveln

Sad George

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Just outside of the dining room, all alone in his wheel chair sits sad George. Mildred spies her old friend and goes to see what ails him.

" George my old friend, why do you look so sad ? " "Ah " says George woefully. " It's just been a long long time since I've had any sex ... I was wondering Mildred, would you mind too much if I was to ask you to hold my tool ? "

George looks so despondent that Mildred agrees, hoping to offer some cheer 

It becomes an arrangement of sorts till one day Mildred happens upon George and another of the seniors together, who seems to be giving George comfort too.

The next day Mildred confronts George telling him of her unhappiness at finding him with another lady.

"Ahhh " says not so sad George ."Please don't be too mad with me Mildred, it' just that Penelope has Parkinson's "

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Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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George went to the doctor to see to his ailments and after a lookover the doctor asked him to provide a stool, urine and semen sample.

 

"No problem" he replied, "I'll just leave my underpants at reception!"

 

The doctor provided him with a sample jar and said "just take that home and provide a semen sample then come back next week".

 

George returns the following week, looking a bit desponant and sees the doctor.

 

"Doc", he explains.  "Not very successful I'm afraid!  I tried for half an hour with my left hand, then half an hour with the right."

"Then Mildred tried for a while as well."

 

"Then we got Gladys from next door to give it a go."

"She tried for a while with her teeth in..."

"then for a while with her teeth out"

 

SPOILER - block select text from below until END SPOILER to reveal

 

"But regardless of what any of us could do, we still couldn't get the lid off that bloody jar!!!"

 

END SPOILER

 

ed2 - seems the spoiler tags aren't working properly  (Click to reveal text not functioning)

Edited by Rybags
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Jeez louise Rybags !! :P~

I don't get the print

 

edit: to be clearer, I click and get no thing to read 😉

Edited by eveln

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Block select with the mouse cursor from "SPOILER" to "END SPOILER" and if you're using the normal dark theme the hidden text should become visible.

 

Only did it that way because the normal spoiler doesn't seem to work properly.

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Norm Mcdonald told this on Conan once

 

An old fellow named Jim is having memory troubles and goes to the doctor who prescribes him some medicine.

Jim's friend pulls up to his house one day while he is gardening and asks "Jim, I understand you got some medicine for your memory. Tell me, does it work?"

"Oh yes, yes", says Jim. "It works like a charm!"

"Well, I'd like to get some of that medicine for myself. What's the name of it?"

"Oh...the name of it?", says Jim. "It sounds kind of like...Ah, I'm not really sure.  Hey, what's the name of that flower?"

"Flower?  I don't know" says Jim's friend. "There's so many of them. A tulip maybe?"

"No, no.  That's not it.  It's the flower you take on a date with a woman."

"Is it a carnation?"

"No, no.  You know, it's the romantic one. It's red, and long stemmed..."

"You must mean a rose!"

"Yes!  Yeah, that's it", says Jim, turning towards the house "ROSE! WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT MEDICINE THE DOCTOR GAVE ME FOR MY MEMORY?"

 

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1 hour ago, Rybags said:

Block select with the mouse cursor from "SPOILER" to "END SPOILER" and if you're using the normal dark theme the hidden text should become visible.

 

Only did it that way because the normal spoiler doesn't seem to work properly.

Ahhhhhh gotcha . 🙂

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Three old men are complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old.

The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble."

The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out."

The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit."

The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?"

The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".

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Mabel and Doris are sitting outside the nursing home enjoying a cuppa and a quiet smoke. It starts to drizzle so Mabel pulls a condom and her nail scissors out of her purse, and proceeds to cut the top off the condom, and then she carefully feeds her ciggie into it .

"What a great idea !" says Doris. "Yes", agrees Mabel, keeps my smoke nice and dry.

That afternoon, Doris pops down to the chemist and asks the young man behind the counter for a packet of condoms. Doing his best to conceal shock, horror and your basic garden variety consternation, he politely informs Doris that they come in a range of sizes, and asks which she would like. "Ohh", she says, "well, big enough to suit a camel please".

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Is it really that tooo many years have passed and no one remembers Camel ciggies ? Or is it just a bad joke from me ?

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It's pretty good actually, I don't use the like/laugh function very much.

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I really thought perhaps Camel ciggies were just tooooo far back in ancient history now ...

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On the subject of camels, I bought a camel once for a trek into the Simpson Desert.

The bloke I bought it off assured me it could go 3 week without water, so off I set.

I got 2 weeks into the trip and all of a sudden it reared up then keeled over.

So, had to call a rescue team to get me out, and went back to see the bloke who sold me the camel.

 

"It only lasted 14 days then died!" I exclaimed, "You said it was good for 21 days without water!"

 

"Did you brick it?" he enquired.

 

"Brick it?" I asked, "What does that mean?"

 

He explained "Before you set off, take him to the water hole and let him have a drink.  When he looks like he's just about finished, take 2 bricks and slam them together on his nutsack.  That'll make him suck up an extra week's worth of water."

 

"Wouldn't that hurt?" I asked.

 

SPOILER START (select text below)...

 

"Only if you get your thumbs stuck in between the bricks!"

 

SPOILER END

 

 

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